As we all know by now, I sleep in super sexy attire. If you’re
not sure what I’m referring to, click here.
I also sleep in the weirdest positions. I’m freaky flexible
and am not comfortable sleeping like a normal person.
If my knee is not up against my chest or my side and the other
leg extended back, I can’t sleep. I also have issues sleeping for long periods
of time. Recently I explained to my friend I was sleeping terribly.
Me: Fuck I can’t seem to have a decent night’s sleep!
Dee: That sucks!
What’s wrong?
Me: I go to sleep and don’t wake up til just before the alarm
goes off!
Dee: …
Me: Seriously, it’s horrible! I don’t wake up at all.
Dee: …
This is where I have to explain myself. You see, if I sleep
through the night, I wake up before the alarm goes off, and then I have to get
up. If I sleep the way I prefer, I wake up several times throughout the night,
check the clock, see I have several hours left to sleep, go back to sleep, and
repeat the process three or four more times.
If I sleep all the way through the night, I wake up expecting
to have several hours of sleep remaining, only to see that I have to drag my
ass out of bed in 10 minutes. I feel like I’ve fucked myself out of several
good sleeping hours. That makes sense, right? So if I sleep through the night
and don’t wake up, it’s a terrible sleep and I wake up disappointed.
On this one fateful morning, I had awoken from my evening of terrible sleep and noticed something. My eyemask was missing. Trying not to panic at the thought of future nights with light piercing my eyelids, I searched all over the bed for it.
No luck.
It was not on/in/under the pillows, in the blankets, or on the
floor. In frustration I moved my leg in frustration and felt something weird. I
looked down…
Seriously. I looked down and there was my eye mask. Calmly
wrapped around my leg like it was trying to protect my ankle from the light of
the cruel cruel morning.
How the fuck did that happen?
Let me tell you. I know EXACTLY what happened. I was sleeping
all calmly, in my funky position, wearing my eye mask, the DDM were being kept
at bay by the light coming from my little mushroom lamp…
And an alien came into my room. That’s right. A MOTHER FUCKING
ALIEN!
So this alien decided that because I am the definition of
human sex appeal, they needed to abduct me. Please remember I sleep not in a
black dress, but in a hoodie, thick pants and socks, along with the eye mask. I
was just too lazy to keep re-drawing all that shit over and over again.
So the alien took me back to its mother ship and showed my
sleeping self off to all it’s alien friends.
After the alien finished showing sleeping me to all it’s
friends, it decided I was much too awesome to keep away from the human race. I
was destined to rule the world (and control the entire world’s supply of
gummies…) and the aliens knew this with their superior intellect. It decided to
return me to my bed, in the condition and position it found me in.
There was only one problem. With all their advanced knowledge
and space travel capabilities, you’d think they’d have figured out the eye
mask.
(just in case someone who reads this isn’t quick on their
feet, female elder fornicator = mother fucking)
So after much contemplation and I’m sure lots of math
equations...
The decision was made that my eye mask was in fact, a tool to
keep my feet warm. Therefore they wrapped it around my ankle and put me back in
my bed.
Listen, alien bedroom invaders. You may be climbing in my
window, snatching my sleeping self up, trying to experiment on me… You don’t
have to come and confess, I know it was you.
I am onto your shenanigans.
I know I was abducted by aliens. This incident in no way could
be explained by my taking sleeping pills and then moving around enough while
asleep to shift my eye mask down and in one of my sleeping flails, get it
caught on my foot. That is just plain silly.
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