Why Jesus Hates You

It’s a common assumption. Bad things happen because Jesus hates you. Why did the pizza place put the wrong toppings on your pizza? Because Jesus hates you. He hates you so much, he used his miracle power to add anchovies into the sauce JUST TO FUCK WITH YOU.

**please note this blog is based entirely on *MY* assumption that everyone gets told that Jesus hates them all the time, and it’s not just me…*

So I wanted to figure out WHY Jesus hates everyone (me) all the time. I put a lot of thought into it:

And a lot of research (2 sites… Ok, 1 site… Ok, I google imaged it):

And I finally found the reason. Compare these pictures:

Do you see it?

Look closer:

That jerk hates us because we have POCKETS and he doesn’t! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!! Think of how much cooler it would have been if Jesus had pockets! He would completely Mary Poppins the shit out of those!!!!!

So I understand the hate on from Jesus. He came to Earth a few centuries too early. I accept your hate. Because pockets are fucking amazing.