Wednesday, 14 December 2011


For those who don’t know me, I am directionally retarded. Severely retarded. It’s almost painful for those with me, I’m sure. Let me explain:

And then:

Followed by:

Yes folks, when it comes to following directions, I am THAT stupid. I don’t know why, I full heartedly believe I inherited it from my mom. Examples you say? 

Directions my mom was given: 

Turn left at 1st Street. Then go straight and turn right into the parking lot.

This should have taken her 15 minutes to get to the restaurant we were waiting at. 

**45 minutes go by**

Mom calls me, freaking out that we gave her shitty directions, and now she's in the middle of farm country in Langley, which is COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE direction we gave her. She turned right at 1st Street. Then decided to correct this, she should go straight for a while, then turned left on a random road and was SHOCKED that the restaurant in a completely different city did NOT materialize. 

No one can inherit that directional retardation you say? Well....

This is a true conversation:

Person: Ok, at the lights, turn left.

Me: Got it! Left!
**two minutes go by**

Person: Turn left

Me: Yes!

**I turn right**

Person: …

**another minute goes by**

Me: Shit… you said left, didn’t you…

Person: …

Everyone rejoiced when I got  GPS. I was so excited, I could finally get directions said to me AS I was driving, no possible way to fuck up! Or was there…


Yes. I named my GPS Gertrude. Her robotic voice has the air of a snotty English woman who is so disappointed in me for merely existing, with her angry chiming at me for missing turns and not following her directions, her exasperated “Recalculating Route”, and repetitive nature completely earn the name Gertrude.

I am fairly confident I received a defective GPS. If I don’t follow her directions after 2 recalculatings, she turns herself off. It’s kind of like “Hey, Karin. Fuck you and your inability to follow my directions. Find your own damn way”. Except more British and snooty.

Karin, why do you not listen to the directions?

Well the answer is completely obvious. Gertrude is trying to fucking kill me.


She takes me to back woodsy areas where I’m fairly certain serial killers lurk, down dark alleys late at night where I could interrupt a potential drug trade, and out to roads that don’t exist. They’re simply “Unnamed Road” and really it’s a wall of fucking trees and NO ROAD.

My amazing friend Dee did not believe me on this fact.

“Karin, you’re just being paranoid”
Ohhhhhhhh really. REALLY? Well, to prove my point, I used Gertrude to direct us to a store. And this is what happened:

Me: See, she’s trying to kill us by making us drive over the edge!

Dee: No, she wants you to take the exit on the right at the end of the bridge.

Me: SEE!!!

Dee: No, she means the exit!


Dee: No! Electronics don’t try to kill people like that!

Dee: … Holy shit she wants you to drive off the bridge!

Me: I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your plan failed Gertrude. I am now onto your shenanigans. Although I may be directionally retarded, I am not dumb enough to drive off a bridge. Just into dark alleys, dead end roads and forests… So until a serial killer IS waiting for me, you shall go on failing with your miserable plan.