Monday, 30 December 2013

Karin Logic: Detachable Limbs

Sometimes I have problems getting comfortable while sleeping:



Eventually, the position I get most comfortable in is extremely awkward, and it often leads to my limbs falling asleep. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

Why?

Because my sleeping limbs end up somewhere on my body, and because they’re asleep, I wake up to a strange hand on other parts of my body, and that is fucking horrifying. HORRIFYING.



I’ve come up with the perfect solution to this issue. Detachable limbs! Yes, yes, I know what everyone is thinking. Limbs technically ARE detachable. People get them detached all the time. The point is, in my perfect world, these limbs would be able to be re-attachable at will:




See? Totally works. And there’s a bonus feature. If you have your limbs detached while sleeping and a serial killer happens to mosey on in:



BAM.  YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.
Science should get on this ASAP.

Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

HOW TO CARE FOR KARIN’S (ASSHOLES) CATS



**this is the letter you receive if you look after my cats**

(most recently received by my landlord) 

***********************************

When you come in, please call the cats. Monkey and Gir probably won’t come, but if you open a can of food, both should come running!!! Please check that all 4 are there, walking normally, not acting like they’re in pain, etc (primarily Monkey and Gir… Lu will most likely be on the island meowing at you and Tia will be on the floor near the front door).
WET FOOD:
The cans of food are on the counter by the stove, with the spoon to serve it with, and the 2 food dishes with 4 sections total to separate it in:



They get a can each day divided between the 4. I’m not giving them treats if I’m not there because I think the treats make one of them throw up and I’m not sure which one it is (I’m betting Tia…) so they get wet food instead.
WARNING: Wet food makes their poop smell TERRIBLE right after they go, so avoid the spare room where the litter boxes will be, unless kitties aren’t coming out!!!
The food dishes need to be put around the corner of each other, otherwise Monkey will sit over one, and then eat from the other and not let the other cats eat anything, cuz he’s an asshole. If he doesn’t come eat food, something may be wrong with him… Or you brought children in the house and he’s hiding (please view how to find missing cats at the bottom of this letter)



DRY FOOD:
They need to have their dry food bowls filled too. The dry food is by the door, in the white Tupperware container (with a blue scoop in it).



Their dry food is around the counter. It must be filled at all times. If there’s any chance Monkey may see the bottom of the black food dish, he will start freaking out and screaming and acting like he’s dying of starvation. It sounds humourous, but he will wait until you’re sleeping to do this, and scream louder than he sings, non stop, until the food dish is filled. DON’T LET THIS HAPPPPPEN:



He will then promptly start barfing everywhere because he over ate, while glaring at you because you did this to him.




So please fill the dishes and the black one should overflow onto the ground:



I know, you’re reading this and thinking “God, that Monkey *IS* an asshole!” I know… I know… but he’s so cute and I love him so I deal with it….

WATER DISHES:
They have 2, because Gir likes #2 and the rest like #1. They are located beside the dry food, and then right in the doorway of the spare room… Tia likes to carry her dry food to the water dish and drop it in, so I need to change the water daily or it gets gross. Please note that occasionally you’ll find weevils in #1… it’s ok. They won’t kill you and are probably already dead.



HOW TO FIND MISSING CATS:

MONKEY
He’s in 1 of 2 places most likely, if he’s not laying on the floor in front of the stove.
1)    On top of the chair in the spare room
2)   On the seat of the chair in the spare room



GIR
Gir is usually 1 of 2 spots if he’s not on the island with Lu… He will either be on the kitty tower in the corner of the spare room (see? He’s there right now):



Or on top of the wooden cupboard by the door to the spare room (usually he’s only here if Monkey is being a bully douche canoe).



THANK YOU SO MUCH! I appreciate you looking after my monsters.

Monday, 1 July 2013

What happens at work…



One of my co-workers has stated that he wants to be at work every Monday at 7am for the “meat and potatoes” of the day.

Today was a stat, so he was stuck working at 9am…


MINE!



As I mentioned before, I have an asshole cat, Monkey. Yes yes, he’s adorable, and cuddly, and furry and all that cute crap, but he’s also so exceptionally greedy. How can a cat be greedy? Easy!

What, you want to use this mouse? No. No you can’t. Why? It’s MINE.



What? You want to eat dinner?



No, seriously. Every angle, he will take it. I’ve tried.


This gum? No you can’t chew it. I’ll pre-chew it for you because… IT’S MINE!


He eats anything people eat. Look. Peas. Gir knows better and moves on, but Monkey hoovers them up.

video


Even now, as I write this…



This hand? MINE!