Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Monkey - Failed Thief

Lucky stalkers readers! I have TWO blogs for you on this fine day, although this one is short.

Monkey just tried to steal my fucking allergy pills. Like, going through my purse and pulling them out, then trying to be all innocent like he meant to get them for me. You don’t believe me? Caught it on video, bitches!


See? (FYI it’s True Blood playing in the background) all digging through my bag and such. Want to know what happened last time he went through my purse? PEOPLE DIED!


Well, not people people like me, and possibly you people... but there were deaths. See?

MORE PROOF. Fuckin' smug look on his face too. Something like "Yeah this just happened. Whatcha gonna do about it?"

That EXCEL pack never saw it coming :(

On a side note, I have a cat for sale. Any takers?

He's only part demon.

Track People – Goldfish Lady

I know I haven’t written a lot lately. I’ve been busy. I know, it’s fucking amazing and all that that I have things better to do than sit on my computer and write blogs for your amusement! One of the things that has started to fill my time is exercising by running at the track.

You’d think a track would be completely boring as shit, running around the same circle and the same scene over and over and over again. You’re probably right, in MOST cases. But not this one, ohhhh no. There are so many various characters at the track and that keeps it entertaining. Let me introduce:
GOLDFISH LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me start at the beginning. So there was this kid’s track and field summer camp for the last 2 weeks, kiddles ranging from 7-12 yrs old (approximately). They were there every day I was, doing their track and fieldy things with coaches that yelled at them in random broken European English. After day #2 of seeing them, I saw this strange lady at the track as well, following the kids around, about 10-20 metres behind them at all times.

Sure, she could be just going the same directions they’re going, the weird fucked up part was that she would get a little closer every now and then and take this baggie out of her pocket and shake it at them.

I had to get in for a closer inspection.

After getting close enough to smell her uterus clock running out of time, I realized the baggie was full of goldfish. Not goldfish you win as a pity prize from a fucked up looking carnie, the goldfish that come from the Pepperidge Farm.

Those flavour blasted snacks that smile back.

This weird-ass lady was waggling a baggie full of crackers
 at children, like you would to a puppy to try and get it to come to you. At first I thought that one of the offspring might have been hers, but after this exercise repeated itself every day for 4 days and NO children took the bait, and the lady left the track each time with no toddler in tow. Yes, she was indeed one of those fucked up people your parents warned you about when you were a kid.

She tried this for 2 weeks, with no success. Then she was gone for a bit and a new summer camp with new children showed up at the track. I guess she got the scent of fresh meat in the wind because today she was back, with a BIGGER bag of goldfish.
This woman is quite possibly more disturbing in her efforts to get a kid than I am, and that’s saying a lot.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

The Shit That Goes Through My Head - garbage

 You know when you’re driving down a road, and you see a bag of garbage on the side of the street? What do you think? Something like this maybe:

Hmm what an asshole, leaving their garbage out expecting others to pick up after them

Yeah, that’s normal. What I think when I see a garbage bag on the side of the road is:

Holy shit, I bet there’s a dead body in there!!!!

And then proceed to check for further garbage bags while driving to determine if this garbage bag dumper has disposed of the entire body on this one strip of road, or if they’ve strategically placed them around to prevent identification.

That’s just how messed up my brain is. If I go by forests, fields, bogs, anything I can’t see the ground in, I will assume there are dead bodies in there. I’m a dark dark person.

So I left work today and this was at the door:

Yup, someone disposed of a dead body out front of my work. I left it there for the supervisor on duty to deal with and just continued on my merry way….