Thursday, 18 August 2016

What I've learned from Pokémon Go



Before I even start, yes. I am a consumer whore. I fall into social traps on a regular basis, and when shit comes out that's super exciting and new and flashy, I almost always desperately want it. I blame my mother, who I'm fairly confident is 25% of the reason "The Shopping Network" is still a thing.



Anyways.

I'm sure you've all heard of Pokémon Go. If you haven't, go Google it, and then read up on it. I'm not giving you a breakdown to make up for your inability to keep up with massive trends that are overtaking the entire world. Seriously, this became more popular than PORN.

Let that sink in for a sec.

People (children and physically aged adults) are walking around (and potentially into traffic, offcliffs, or into stranger's houses) searching for fictional cartoon characters they can only see through their phone. They then "catch" these fictional characters by throwing balls, and if successful, the reward is a coloured character in your online character bank. THIS is more popular than the thrill of watching two (or more) people acting out scenes that we may fantasize about, but rarely ever admit to.

SO I've been at this for just over a month and am basically a Pokémon master. At the time of this writing, I am a level 24 trainer. Yeah. I have bragging rights. What I've learned from my extensive experience at Pokémon is:

1) Pokémon players respond faster than the police

Seriously. I wanted to see the response time of Pokémon players to lures, so I went to a park, found a spot that had no one around at all, and threw up a lure. Within 5 minutes there were 3 cars (with about 2 players each) 4 people sat down by the lure, and then another 8 people were wandering around pretending they weren't playing Pokémon (WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!). 
So basically, if you're ever about to be raped/shanked/mugged/murdered, open Pokémon GO and add a lure to a nearby Pokéstop. You will have so many witnesses within a minute, the raping/shanking/mugging/murdering will stop so the offender can run off. Pokémon, faster response time than 9-1-1.


2) The creepy people in the dark alleys are just nerds

It used to be the rapists/shankers/muggers/murderers that we feared hiding in the dark alleys that we dared not venture down alone. Now it's a nerd, just like you, searching for a Bulbasaur. and if there are still rapists/shankers/muggers/murderers hanging out down there, they won't rape/shank/mug/murder you as there are at least 10-15 witnesses in the alley already, and of those 10-15, 4 could probably put up a fight.

3) It *IS* a gateway to communication!

I have talked to about 9 people I wouldn't have talked to if I wasn't playing Pokémon. My average communication with strangers is a pretty solid zero, because stranger-danger and such. Plus people make me uncomfortable. really uncomfortable. Since starting this game though, I've been more open to talking to random weirdos that mill around me, and haven't regretted it yet. I've met a lovely bearded fellow who makes shirts, some woman who pets her dog waaaaaay too aggressively (fur flies everywhere!), a random guy that yells out "SQUIRTLE!" for no reason and then laughs to himself, 3 kids that should have been at home at 12am, not pokémon hunting (but we were on the same team, so we coo'), and then 3 Asian folks. I mean, there's a large horde of people I guess I hang out with on a regular basis (we all awkwardly stand around in the same locations), but I don't communicate with them.

4) You can have a moment with a stranger (and 50% of you don't realize it happened)

I have caught several "rare" pokémon, and since I am generally alone, I have no one to share my joy. Generally this leads to me getting excited, trying to bottle my excitement, and then glancing around at all the other people around me to see if anyone else is excited. Sometimes I do find my lone wolf companion, the one that's caught the areodactyl and also has no one to express their joy with. Usually they're about 30 feet away from me, don't see I'm creepily staring at them, and don't sense my excitement that they understand how I feel. But I get you, fellow lone nerd. I get you.

To sum up, I think everyone should experience this game. I've seen young (like around 5 years old) to old (I really did see a 70+ yr old lady doing this) playing this game, and if you feel stupid doing it, just remember this:

80% of the people out there are just as stupid as you and are playing the game. The other 20% wish they were but don't have the balls you do.

You go get them, you Pokémaster. You go get them all (unless I get there first).

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Cacao, The Devil’s Snack



I’m a big fan of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. If you haven’t watched it, go. Go now. Why are you wasting time reading this? There’s only 3 seasons, and each episode is like, 20 minutes long. You can get completely caught up in one weekend.

Did you watch it yet?

I’m assuming at this point you have, so we can continue. There’s an episode in season 3 where this happens:



He gets addicted to cacao nibs, because they’re A DELICIOUS SNACK! So, since I’m a consumer whore (and how!), I got curious. I got a bag of nibs. They looked harmless enough:



So let’s do this! This is how it went:



Ok, in they go…


Oh it’s not so… 

Wait..


What is happening?



WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? THEY’RE IN MY MOUTH!!!!!


OH SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? I'M A GOOD PERSON (most of the time...)!!!


As Fry would say…


AND I HAVE AN ENTIRE BAG OF THEM! OH GOD!

What was I going to do?!?!?!?

Don't worry. I figured it out…


I convinced several co-workers to try them. How? They fell for the classic “Oh eff these are disgusting! HERE, TRY THEM!”

The consensus was pretty much the same…



So after all these years, I’ve finally reached that moment in my life where TV has lied to me, and I am devastated. But, as I believe in group suffering, I brought several others down with me.

Moral of the story:

Cacao nibs are the devil. 
Also, don’t trust me.

GO OUT AND TRY THEM NOW!!!!

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Sibling Rivalry




 I have three beautiful cats.




Lu and Gir are from the same litter, and they’re 11 years old. In November 2014, when my fourth cat, Monkey, passed away, Gir became unusually attached to an old green frog.

 
Seriously. He would sleep on the frog or beside it, and tried to get the frog to play with him by bringing up cat toys and putting them under the frog’s front… paw? He also seemed to find some kind of weird peace with the frog. Whenever I’d have guests over before, Gir would hide until they left. Now he will run to the room and jump up by the frog, and then allow people to pet him as long as the frog is present.

It’s really fucking weird. Cute but weird. He even gets really upset when I put the frog in the wash, and sits on the bed staring in anger at the door until I return the frog to its rightful place.



All was well and good until one day I woke up, pet Gir while he was on the frog (as it’s at the foot of my bed) and went to open the blinds. When I turned, this is what I saw:



That is not Gir, obviously. Then Gir showed up. Yeah it was all okay until he saw Lu was on his frog, and then BOOM! FACE PUNCH:


Since then, there has been some sort of odd rivalry between the two of them. It’s not every day, but Gir is so damn possessive of the frog that when Lu is on it, he gets all uppity.

There was clearly only one way to resolve this. Lu needed a frog too! Unfortunately the frog is old (like 6 or 7 years) and they no longer make them, but one day on a visit to Walmart, I found this:




Yes. A giant fucking alligator. It’s big, it’s green, it’s fuzzy. It was PERFECT!!!!!! So obviously I bought it. And then proceeded to spend the day cuddling it as it was so big and fuzzy. Please meet Professor Gate Von Derpderp:

 
After carting this bad boy around for the day, I arrived home, nervous for my experiment. Would they accept Derpderp into the fold? To start, I tried to put Derps next to Lu while Lu was sitting on the couch. It was not successful:


Seriously. What the actual fuck, Lu? You snobby bastard!

I finally put Derps on the foot of the bed, beside the frog. I’d hoped that they would sleep next to him and things would work out.
 
 
Nope. Rejected like the fat kid when picking dodgeball teams (please note *I* was that fat kid when I was in school, so I know what I’m talking about).



Later on I found Gir on the bed and the frog was in the dryer (with the other duvet cover) and it was just the perfect time. I tried to get him to accept Derpderp as one of the crew:

video

 Wait! WAIT! Was I successful?

video


Nope. Gir was just fucking with me. Dick move, Gir. It’s been 3 days and I think I need to accept that the Professor will never be one of the crew. The final nail in the coffin was this:


 Tia has now joined the anti Derpderp stand. I’ll just have to settle for the fact that my two old men will fight over the frog…

Does anyone want a sad, rejected alligator with a classy name?