A Breakfast Experience – how awkward certain un-named children find Karin

**note on the title: My wonderful friend Dee has a beautiful daughter who has quite grumpily complained she’s never been mentioned in a blog. Therefore I shall mention her, but not by name. Just as a participant in my adventure**

There are people that think I make shit up for humour’s sake. This is not the case. As un-named child stated, “Your life is exactly like your blog. People need to be around you to experience this otherwise they just don’t get it.” Yet she gets embarrassed spending time with me (but only in public, because then there are witnesses).

An example of this would be our wonderful brunch at Ihop. Before I can continue, I must explain. I do not generally acknowledge attractive people. Let me explain via picture. Below is an example of what people see when a physically attractive stranger walks by:

Now in all fairness, it may not be a shoe. It could be a hat, a scarf, or some other random inanimate object. I mean, I can generally understand why certain people are found attractive, but I personally don’t find them attractive unless I know them. Therefore my brain replaces them with the image of something more useful to me.

Now say said hot person speaks to you, the thought process is:

So my actually not only seeing an attractive person, but acknowledging them is so rare that you might as well buy a lottery ticket when it happens.

NOW I can continue my story.

So we get into Ihop to order our delicious breakfast and the conversation goes like this:

Dee: Oh I’m excited!

Me: Yes, I love…. Holy crap.

Dee: you love what now?

Me: look over there. That person is so amazingly hot that… wow. He’s like 50 ft tall though.

Dee: No way there is… oh. Well then.

Me: I just… pancakes.

Dee: That’s not even… Wow he’s more like 100 ft tall and… huh.

Unnamed child: WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT I AM HUNGRY!

Me: Shhhh. Let’s see if we can get it to come over!

*I start making little smooching noises*

Me: With hot people, you call them over like puppies, right?

Dee: LOOK AT YOUR DAMN MENU!

Me: I can’t… there’s too much, I don’t understand. Just… wow.

**unnamed child then puts the menu up in front of me to block my view**

Unnamed child: Ha. There, now look at what you want to eat!

Me: Pfft, joke’s on you. He’s too tall to be blocked by the menu.

Luckily I know what I wanted already, so I could just awkwardly stare while Dee and Unnamed child made their choices.

After the waitress took our orders, hot employee (we later determined he was probably the manager due to being in a black shirt vs a server’s uniform) disappeared.

I tried to take a picture of hot employee but he managed to avoid being seen. I did however, get a picture of unnamed child looking embarrassed at my attempts of trying to ninja a photo:

About ten minutes later, said hot employee showed up again. I tried to strategically get a camera angle to take a photo of Unnamed child while simultaneously getting the hot guy in the photo, but SOMEONE would not be compliant:

There is no way hot employee would be next to her spoon. She did not know how to play this game. Not at all.

Near the end, we had to give up. He’d gone missing again and we had to leave. As we were leaving, Unnamed child goes, “He’s right there, behind you!” (thanks for being so obvious, FYI) and I tried to take another picture of him, but this was the best we could do:

We determined that this person was simply far too attractive to be caught by camera, lest your eyes melt out of your sockets in awe.

**P.S. Unnamed child’s name is Chloe, in case you didn’t figure that out. If you didn’t figure it out on your own from the last photo, please stop reading my blog. God may love stupid people, but I don’t.**

My Cat is Fucked Up, Yo.

This is my cat. His name is Monkey. He has had his arm stuck thru the door like this for about 5 minutes. This is a common occurrence with him. I'm pretty sure he's trying to kill me. 

Look at this face. Does that NOT look like an evil mastermind to you? Yeah, I thought so.

You Don’t Know It’s Eerie Until…

This is one of those things you don’t even think about, UNTIL YOU DO. You see it all the time, but you don’t usually notice it, UNTIL YOU DO. And then you notice it ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and it’s SCARY AS SHIT!

What the fudge ya talkin’ ‘bout, Karin?

Balloons. That’s right. Friggin’ BALLOONS. They are stalking you. Right now, I bet you they’re lurking, waiting for you. They’re biding their time until it’s the right moment to strike. Look out your window. I dare you. DO IT!

Did you do it? This is probably what you saw:

But really, this is what’s there:

That’s right. They’re watching you. THEY’RE FREAKING WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW.

I never really thought they were creepy until a few years ago. One day at work we were discussing weird fears, and one of my co-workers said he was afraid of balloons. Of course, we all made fun of him. Who the hell is afraid of balloons? Clowns, yes, because they will kidnap you and eat your soul. But balloons??????

His defense was:

“Seriously, think about it. Have you ever walked somewhere and there’s a random balloon? You’re walking across an abandoned road and a lone balloon is just slowly bouncing down the road towards you… Or when you’re in the bathroom and you look up and there’s just this balloon floating there, up against the ceiling. How did you get there, balloon? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

I brushed it off because I never saw balloons where they shouldn’t be. I’d always seen them where it was normal, you know, parks, fairs, birthday parties, etc. But then one day, it all changed. I was driving down a dark road late at night. There was just me, and a shitload of forest. No other cars. No houses. No nothing. And then something came across the light from my headlights:

A lone balloon lazily floated across the road. Huh, I thought to myself. That’s just odd, I wonder where…

AND THEN THE WHOLE CONVERSATION CAME BACK TO ME.

WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN! The questions flooded my mind. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, BALLOON! How the hell did you get thru all the trees? And then I realized I couldn’t see the balloon anymore….

WHERE THE FRICK DID IT GO!!!!

And then it started happening ALL THE TIME.

At the grocery store:

At the gym:

In a restaurant bathroom:

The balloons REALLY WERE EVERYWHERE. Everywhere there weren’t children, or any balloon related festivities. Everywhere I go, they’re there. Bouncing across the street, floating in a corner of some room, pressing their rubber skinned bodies against my windows. EVERYWHERE.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that they are planning to kill us all. KILL US ALL. They’re gathering forces and convincing people that we need them to celebrate crap like birthdays and new years’ and being the one millionth customer so that we produce more of them until one day they will be in mass forces everywhere.

Now that I’ve told you, you’ll see it too. BEWARE! BEWARE THE RANDOM BALLOONS.

Fond childhood memories #4 – the EYEBROW

Back when I was in grade 6, my brother J came sauntering into the kitchen before we headed off to school. He was muttering to himself, I was trying to eat all the Lucky Charms before he got his grubby hands on it, and S was still half asleep at the other end of the table. All was normal…. OR SO IT SEEMED.

J turned to ask me where the cereal was and that’s when I saw IT. S even woke up enough to see IT too. We looked in awe. This moment goes to show that I really did get the majority of the brains between the three of us (sad but true story).

S and me:

J:

Yeah. That’s right. He had one eyebrow. ONE EYEBROW.

Me: Uh… what happened to your other eyebrow??????

J: What? Oh I accidentally shaved off half of it.

Me: Ok… what happened to the other half????

J: I shaved that part off on purpose.

Me: …

J: I DIDN’T WANT TO LOOK STUPID WITH HALF AN EYEBROW

S: Makes sense.

No. No it does not. You looked more stupid with one eyebrow than you would have with one and a half. AND I AM RELATED TO YOU. FUUUUUUUCK ME.