**note on the title: My wonderful friend Dee has a beautiful daughter who has quite grumpily complained she’s never been mentioned in a blog. Therefore I shall mention her, but not by name. Just as a participant in my adventure**
There are people that think I make shit up for humour’s sake. This is not the case. As un-named child stated, “Your life is exactly like your blog. People need to be around you to experience this otherwise they just don’t get it.” Yet she gets embarrassed spending time with me (but only in public, because then there are witnesses).
An example of this would be our wonderful brunch at Ihop. Before I can continue, I must explain. I do not generally acknowledge attractive people. Let me explain via picture. Below is an example of what people see when a physically attractive stranger walks by:
Now in all fairness, it may not be a shoe. It could be a hat, a scarf, or some other random inanimate object. I mean, I can generally understand why certain people are found attractive, but I personally don’t find them attractive unless I know them. Therefore my brain replaces them with the image of something more useful to me.
Now say said hot person speaks to you, the thought process is:
So my actually not only seeing an attractive person, but acknowledging them is so rare that you might as well buy a lottery ticket when it happens.
NOW I can continue my story.
So we get into Ihop to order our delicious breakfast and the conversation goes like this:
Dee: Oh I’m excited!
Me: Yes, I love…. Holy crap.
Dee: you love what now?
Me: look over there. That person is so amazingly hot that… wow. He’s like 50 ft tall though.
Dee: No way there is… oh. Well then.
Me: I just… pancakes.
Dee: That’s not even… Wow he’s more like 100 ft tall and… huh.
Unnamed child: WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT I AM HUNGRY!
Me: Shhhh. Let’s see if we can get it to come over!
*I start making little smooching noises*
Me: With hot people, you call them over like puppies, right?
Dee: LOOK AT YOUR DAMN MENU!
Me: I can’t… there’s too much, I don’t understand. Just… wow.
**unnamed child then puts the menu up in front of me to block my view**
Unnamed child: Ha. There, now look at what you want to eat!
Me: Pfft, joke’s on you. He’s too tall to be blocked by the menu.
Luckily I know what I wanted already, so I could just awkwardly stare while Dee and Unnamed child made their choices.
After the waitress took our orders, hot employee (we later determined he was probably the manager due to being in a black shirt vs a server’s uniform) disappeared.
I tried to take a picture of hot employee but he managed to avoid being seen. I did however, get a picture of unnamed child looking embarrassed at my attempts of trying to ninja a photo:
About ten minutes later, said hot employee showed up again. I tried to strategically get a camera angle to take a photo of Unnamed child while simultaneously getting the hot guy in the photo, but SOMEONE would not be compliant:
There is no way hot employee would be next to her spoon. She did not know how to play this game. Not at all.
Near the end, we had to give up. He’d gone missing again and we had to leave. As we were leaving, Unnamed child goes, “He’s right there, behind you!” (thanks for being so obvious, FYI) and I tried to take another picture of him, but this was the best we could do:
We determined that this person was simply far too attractive to be caught by camera, lest your eyes melt out of your sockets in awe.
**P.S. Unnamed child’s name is Chloe, in case you didn’t figure that out. If you didn’t figure it out on your own from the last photo, please stop reading my blog. God may love stupid people, but I don’t.**