Friday, 6 April 2012

You Don’t Know It’s Eerie Until…

This is one of those things you don’t even think about, UNTIL YOU DO. You see it all the time, but you don’t usually notice it, UNTIL YOU DO. And then you notice it ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and it’s SCARY AS SHIT!

What the fudge ya talkin’ ‘bout, Karin?

Balloons. That’s right. Friggin’ BALLOONS. They are stalking you. Right now, I bet you they’re lurking, waiting for you. They’re biding their time until it’s the right moment to strike. Look out your window. I dare you. DO IT!

Did you do it? This is probably what you saw:

But really, this is what’s there:

That’s right. They’re watching you. THEY’RE FREAKING WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW.

I never really thought they were creepy until a few years ago. One day at work we were discussing weird fears, and one of my co-workers said he was afraid of balloons. Of course, we all made fun of him. Who the hell is afraid of balloons? Clowns, yes, because they will kidnap you and eat your soul. But balloons??????

His defense was:

“Seriously, think about it. Have you ever walked somewhere and there’s a random balloon? You’re walking across an abandoned road and a lone balloon is just slowly bouncing down the road towards you… Or when you’re in the bathroom and you look up and there’s just this balloon floating there, up against the ceiling. How did you get there, balloon? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

I brushed it off because I never saw balloons where they shouldn’t be. I’d always seen them where it was normal, you know, parks, fairs, birthday parties, etc. But then one day, it all changed. I was driving down a dark road late at night. There was just me, and a shitload of forest. No other cars. No houses. No nothing. And then something came across the light from my headlights:

A lone balloon lazily floated across the road. Huh, I thought to myself. That’s just odd, I wonder where…


WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN! The questions flooded my mind. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, BALLOON! How the hell did you get thru all the trees? And then I realized I couldn’t see the balloon anymore….


And then it started happening ALL THE TIME.

At the grocery store:

At the gym:

In a restaurant bathroom:

The balloons REALLY WERE EVERYWHERE. Everywhere there weren’t children, or any balloon related festivities. Everywhere I go, they’re there. Bouncing across the street, floating in a corner of some room, pressing their rubber skinned bodies against my windows. EVERYWHERE.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that they are planning to kill us all. KILL US ALL. They’re gathering forces and convincing people that we need them to celebrate crap like birthdays and new years’ and being the one millionth customer so that we produce more of them until one day they will be in mass forces everywhere.

Now that I’ve told you, you’ll see it too. BEWARE! BEWARE THE RANDOM BALLOONS.