Determination

Neil and I have been friends for years. YEARS. Yes. Years. So he should know by now that challenging me is stupid, because I am stubborn and will do everything I can to prove my point.

Neil=Slow

But I love him.

So we were out to breakfast one day and I said that I think I could amputate with a butter knife. He said no, I couldn’t. It’s not possible and I was a fool for saying it.

**please note: my father was a surgeon, therefore genetically, I am a surgeon too (Karin logic)**

Ohhh Neil I will prove you wrong! I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG!

Breakfast of Champions

This is what happens when I work at 5am. I woke up, decided I needed to pack my lunch and grab a coffee. I had a big craving for watermelon and was like “hmm, watermelon would be delicious with my lunch!” and I happened to have a watermelon!!!!!

So I pack my lunch, go to work, and then once I woke up, realize what I packed:

Yes. A full watermelon. I packed a fucking watermelon for lunch. No knife, no spoon. A watermelon, water in my coffee mug, and a 5 hour energy drink. Seriously what the actual fuck, Karin’s brain????

Vegas?

Neil’s solution to me saying we cannot afford to randomly fly to Vegas:

WHO’S CRAZY NOW, NEIL?

Monkey - Failed Thief

Lucky stalkers readers! I have TWO blogs for you on this fine day, although this one is short.

Monkey just tried to steal my fucking allergy pills. Like, going through my purse and pulling them out, then trying to be all innocent like he meant to get them for me. You don’t believe me? Caught it on video, bitches!

 

See? (FYI it’s True Blood playing in the background) all digging through my bag and such. Want to know what happened last time he went through my purse? PEOPLE DIED!

YEAH! THERE WERE CASUALTIES!

Well, not people people like me, and possibly you people... but there were deaths. See?

MORE PROOF. Fuckin' smug look on his face too. Something like "Yeah this just happened. Whatcha gonna do about it?"

That EXCEL pack never saw it coming :(

On a side note, I have a cat for sale. Any takers?

He's only part demon.

Track People – Goldfish Lady

I know I haven’t written a lot lately. I’ve been busy. I know, it’s fucking amazing and all that that I have things better to do than sit on my computer and write blogs for your amusement! One of the things that has started to fill my time is exercising by running at the track.

You’d think a track would be completely boring as shit, running around the same circle and the same scene over and over and over again. You’re probably right, in MOST cases. But not this one, ohhhh no. There are so many various characters at the track and that keeps it entertaining. Let me introduce:

GOLDFISH LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me start at the beginning. So there was this kid’s track and field summer camp for the last 2 weeks, kiddles ranging from 7-12 yrs old (approximately). They were there every day I was, doing their track and fieldy things with coaches that yelled at them in random broken European English. After day #2 of seeing them, I saw this strange lady at the track as well, following the kids around, about 10-20 metres behind them at all times.

Sure, she could be just going the same directions they’re going, the weird fucked up part was that she would get a little closer every now and then and take this baggie out of her pocket and shake it at them.

I had to get in for a closer inspection.

After getting close enough to smell her uterus clock running out of time, I realized the baggie was full of goldfish. Not goldfish you win as a pity prize from a fucked up looking carnie, the goldfish that come from the Pepperidge Farm.

 

Those flavour blasted snacks that smile back.

This weird-ass lady was waggling a baggie full of crackers

 at children, like you would to a puppy to try and get it to come to you. At first I thought that one of the offspring might have been hers, but after this exercise repeated itself every day for 4 days and NO children took the bait, and the lady left the track each time with no toddler in tow. Yes, she was indeed one of those fucked up people your parents warned you about when you were a kid.

She tried this for 2 weeks, with no success. Then she was gone for a bit and a new summer camp with new children showed up at the track. I guess she got the scent of fresh meat in the wind because today she was back, with a BIGGER bag of goldfish.

This woman is quite possibly more disturbing in her efforts to get a kid than I am, and that’s saying a lot.

The Shit That Goes Through My Head - garbage

 You know when you’re driving down a road, and you see a bag of garbage on the side of the street? What do you think? Something like this maybe:

Hmm what an asshole, leaving their garbage out expecting others to pick up after them

Yeah, that’s normal. What I think when I see a garbage bag on the side of the road is:

Holy shit, I bet there’s a dead body in there!!!!

And then proceed to check for further garbage bags while driving to determine if this garbage bag dumper has disposed of the entire body on this one strip of road, or if they’ve strategically placed them around to prevent identification.

That’s just how messed up my brain is. If I go by forests, fields, bogs, anything I can’t see the ground in, I will assume there are dead bodies in there. I’m a dark dark person.

So I left work today and this was at the door:

Yup, someone disposed of a dead body out front of my work. I left it there for the supervisor on duty to deal with and just continued on my merry way….  

The Seven Deadly Sins

On my previously mentioned breakfast with Chloe and Dee, part of the conversation was directed towards the seven deadly sins. How did this happen, you ask?

Well, Chloe goes “I wonder if I’ve committed any sins lately…” while in this exact situation:

 **she was eating off all the plates**

Uh yeah there, champ. You’re committing a sin right now… GLUTTONY.

And then of course, the hot manager man that kept ninja’ing out of photos kept walking by causing her to go bright red and slouch down in her seat, so that’s LUST.

She also had problems getting out of her PJs until 1pm that day, so we’re looking at SLOTH.

That’s right. 12 years old and committed at least THREE deadly sins in less than an hour.

Flash to me. 28 years old and probably committing all 7 sins on a regular basis… Let’s see:

Sloth: I go to work looking like a fucking hobo on a regular basis so I can squeeze an extra 15 min of sleeping in. That’s right. I “could” do my hair and put on make up, but screw that noise. I’d rather look like a bag lady and have gotten my 15 min of extra bed time than go that extra mile in my appearance. Also, notice I haven’t drawn pictures lately and have been using real photos? That’s because I’m fucking lazy and don’t want to put forth the effort of drawing stick figures at the moment.

Lust: Due to the fact that there are minors that read my blog, I shall say I do have this sin in spades. IN SPADES with the shit that goes on in my head. And we will leave it at that. This sin alone has probably purchased me a one way ticket to Hell. But oh man it’s friggin’ worth it…

Greed: I have like, 17 game systems, games included. I play *maybe* 9 of them, if that. But I cannot get rid of them because the thought of other people having them irks me. Someone could point a gun at my head one day and be like “LISTEN BITCH! I WILL SHOOT YOU IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A SEGA GAME GEAR RIGHT NOW!!!” See? I may need a neo geo pocket colour hand held gaming device at some point, and fuck you all if I’m going to look stupid on that day because I gave it away thinking it wouldn’t be useful.

Gluttony: I don’t eat frequently, but when I eat, I will eat until it hurts to breathe. And trust me, this is a feat. I reject so much food it’s ridiculous. Take pancakes for instance. I hate the edges. HATE THEM.

The perfect pancake:

The rejected part:

Please note that that is cream cheese icing on the pancake, not something else, regardless of what it looks like.

Me: Hey Dee, you know what this looks like?

Dee: uh.. oh… oh dear… yes…

Chloe: What? What does it look like?

Me: Yeah, Dee! What does it look like???

Dee: Uh… rotten milk… Yes. Rotten milk.

Me: Yeah. Good save…

Once I’ve finished eating, I will accuse the person or persons that were with me for being shitty supervisors and allowing me to eat too much, therefore my stomach aches are entirely their fault and I am blameless.

Wrath: Yeah. I will fucking cut you. Because I’m like that.

Pride: I talk about how awesome I am all the time. ALL the time. I may not be hot, but hellz ya my personality and skills are so amazing it’s ridiculous. Plus I’m insanely smart. Sad story is I’m insanely not motivated to do anything. I’m a genius who lacks ambition. This could be sloth AND pride, but that requires too much effort to go back and edit it.

Envy: This may be the only sin I don’t commit on a regular basis. I’m too much of a catty jerk to be envious of people. Unless they have lots of money. Or babies. Or lots of money AND babies. Then I’m all up in the envious business.

So I am all coated in a coat of sin. A Sin-Coat, if you will….

If I’m already going to hell anyway, might as well eat some fucking pancakes along the way!