I have three beautiful cats.
Lu and Gir are from the same litter, and they’re 11 years old. In November 2014, when my fourth cat, Monkey, passed away, Gir became unusually attached to an old green frog.
Seriously. He would sleep on the frog or beside it, and tried to get the frog to play with him by bringing up cat toys and putting them under the frog’s front… paw? He also seemed to find some kind of weird peace with the frog. Whenever I’d have guests over before, Gir would hide until they left. Now he will run to the room and jump up by the frog, and then allow people to pet him as long as the frog is present.
It’s really fucking weird. Cute but weird. He even gets really upset when I put the frog in the wash, and sits on the bed staring in anger at the door until I return the frog to its rightful place.
All was well and good until one day I woke up, pet Gir while he was on the frog (as it’s at the foot of my bed) and went to open the blinds. When I turned, this is what I saw:
That is not Gir, obviously. Then Gir showed up. Yeah it was all okay until he saw Lu was on his frog, and then BOOM! FACE PUNCH:
Since then, there has been some sort of odd rivalry between the two of them. It’s not every day, but Gir is so damn possessive of the frog that when Lu is on it, he gets all uppity.
There was clearly only one way to resolve this. Lu needed a frog too! Unfortunately the frog is old (like 6 or 7 years) and they no longer make them, but one day on a visit to Walmart, I found this:
Yes. A giant fucking alligator. It’s big, it’s green, it’s fuzzy. It was PERFECT!!!!!! So obviously I bought it. And then proceeded to spend the day cuddling it as it was so big and fuzzy. Please meet Professor Gate Von Derpderp:
After carting this bad boy around for the day, I arrived home, nervous for my experiment. Would they accept Derpderp into the fold? To start, I tried to put Derps next to Lu while Lu was sitting on the couch. It was not successful:
Seriously. What the actual fuck, Lu? You snobby bastard!
I finally put Derps on the foot of the bed, beside the frog. I’d hoped that they would sleep next to him and things would work out.
Nope. Rejected like the fat kid when picking dodgeball teams (please note *I* was that fat kid when I was in school, so I know what I’m talking about).
Later on I found Gir on the bed and the frog was in the dryer (with the other duvet cover) and it was just the perfect time. I tried to get him to accept Derpderp as one of the crew:
Wait! WAIT! Was I successful?
Nope. Gir was just fucking with me. Dick move, Gir. It’s been 3 days and I think I need to accept that the Professor will never be one of the crew. The final nail in the coffin was this:
Tia has now joined the anti Derpderp stand. I’ll just have to settle for the fact that my two old men will fight over the frog…
Does anyone want a sad, rejected alligator with a classy name?