It’s completely true. I can get away with murder. I’ve watched pretty much all the versions of CSI, even the crappy one with the guy that gives skeezy stares to EVERYONE:
What I’ve learned from years of this is that I can commit the perfect crime. That’s right. I can kill you in your sleep and make it look like a complete accident. I’m like a ninja.
But one you don’t see:
An invisible ninja that is dressed like a cat:
It’s fucking terrifying, right? That’s right. So don’t piss me off. Because I’ll invisible cat ninja your ass, and no one will ever know.
“Oh what if they interrogate you anyway?”
Ha. Luckily I’ve got that covered too. If in the rare event this happens:
I know exactly what to do. I will be me. How will this work in my favour? Well, let me tell you how by explaining a story…
I was in the hospital with my friend, who had just been given morphine. Her eyes kept scanning going one direction really slow then right back to the other one really really fast.
Me: Uh, what the hell are you doing?
Her: Well, you know when you watch people walk?
Me: Frequently, yes…
Her: When you’re on morphine, they walk really really slow. Like, your eyes go normal speed but they’re trying to catch up to them. AND THEN THE DOG CATCHES THE FRISBEE!!!
Me: The dog… whatnow?
Her: You know, the dog. It catches the Frisbee.
Me: There is no dog in here. I’m pretty sure half that conversation just happened in your head and I wasn’t even part of it…
That’s right, folks. Talking to me is like talking to someone high on morphine. And that’s me on a NORMAL day.
So, should I get called in for interrogation, it’ll probably go like this:
That’s right. I can get away with murder. You better watch yourself, because I’m like Chuck Norris, if he were an invisible cat ninja named Karin.
Scared? Yeah, I know you are. It’s ok. I would be to. If I weren’t me. DUN DUN DUN *scary invisible cat ninja theme music*