Saturday, 17 September 2011

The Questions I Get Asked

As I’ve mentioned before, all my stories are true (unless otherwise stated). I’ve decided to compile a list of the most awkwardly weird questions I’ve been asked while working for pest control. I get asked weird things, but this handful takes the cake. And it’s not delicious cake. It’s dry chocolate cake with cheap artificial tasting icing. I’d still eat it anyway because hey, it’s food. But still. I wouldn’t enjoy it. Much.

Question the first:

“If I shower, will it make bed bugs go away?”

Seriously. Someone asked me that. My first thought was, “how dirty are you??”

If bed bugs were that easy, many many companies would be out of a job and bed bugs wouldn’t be the epidemic it is. No, bed bugs do not live on you. Regardless of your hygiene, bed bugs do not live on your body. But to play devil’s advocate I replied, “Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to try?” YOU’RE WELCOME, FAMILY OF AN UNSHOWERED BED BUG HOARDER.

Question 2:

“Can you put a coat on my house to keep out the mice?”


It makes complete sense to fashion a giant coat for a house, that mice, who chew through PVC piping and drywall, wouldn’t be able to figure out to chew or scratch holes into the fabric and either live in the coat itself, or get into the house. This person may put me out of a job.

Question 3:

Do rats give birth to mice?

… No, seriously… what? Yes. When mice grow up, they want to be a completely different species of rodent and aspire to be a roof rat. There is no such thing as a rat baby, or an adult mouse.

Giraffes also give birth to tigers, didn’t you know?

Really, where do you think the saying “The birds and the bees” came from? Birds+bees=raccoons.

Mother Nature is that much of a weird bitch.

Question 4:

“I see your preparation sheet says you use PCP. Does this mean you will be treating my unit with illegal drugs?”

Which leads to:

Question 5:

“If I return home too early will these drugs make me want to run around naked?”

I… Uh… Wait… What?



Yes. Pest control’s secret plan is to make all people run around naked.

This will distract you from the potential fail of your treatment. We deal with the gangsters in the back alleys to get our huge quantity of PCP and also pay off cops with a poofer of crack a week to keep them at bay.

If pest control really could get people naked that fast, we’d have expanded into other businesses.

I think before I speak (most of the time, and usually just say it anyway). All y’all may want to try it some time. Otherwise you may end up in a story like this, but that person may not be as skilled in stick figures. Think about it.

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