IMMUNITY!

As anyone who knows me knows, I am terrified of zombies. I am terrified of them to the point where I am obsessed with them. I will buy anything zombie related, watch any zombie movie, and join in any zombie discussion.

Why am I afraid of zombies? Well, it all started when I was 13 and so brave I watched scary movies on my own constantly. I was tough; I knew that shit ain’t real, and so on and so forth. One day I watched a zombie movie. It was called:

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

Yes. Return of the Living Dead. That cheesy zombie movie where the same two guys in I and II die at the beginning and become zombies, and these zombies don’t die. They also look surprisingly like pop stars:

Holy shit, why would you be scared of zombies based on that movie?? Well, it all started with that one tiny little statement that some movies have…

“Based on a true story” has ruined my life and made me a zombie fearing freak. After watching said movie I approached my father to ask him if it could be based on a real story. My father was quite possibly the smartest man alive, and so I assumed he knew the answer. He asked me how the zombies came about. I explained that a magical container of unknown goo from the US government (those fuckers) unleashed a gas that turned those that inhaled it into zombies. After explaining this, I looked at my father all expectantly, waiting for the “Pfft, that’s just plain silly!” that I had hoped for and would end the unsettled feeling in my gut. He looked at me and goes, “Oh. Well in that case, it is based on a true story.”

WTF DAD! WHY COULD YOU NOT JUST SAY ITS FAKE!

He then went on to explain that back in the dark ages (aka 70’s?) there was a military lab that had a morgue below it. Some kind of chemical spilled in the lab, went down the drain, and then dripped onto a cadavre in the morgue. The chemical reacted with the skin on the cadavre and reached the muscle, causing it to shrink, which made the arm of the cadavre jerk, giving the appearance of the arm moving itself. What I heard was, “The military has secret goo that will make bodies move and KILL YOU” followed by, “kill them all first, sweetie. It’s the only way.”

This conversation completely ruined my life. From this point on, I became terrified of zombies. I had to read everything I could, watch everything I could, and learn everything I could to prepare myself.

So here we are, 15 years and an insanely huge and obsessive amount of research later and I now know that I have immunity to zombies. How? Easy. The sheer power of my mind. All I do is yell “IMMUNITY!” out loud. It is completely logical that this is the reason I will survive the zombie apocalypse and no one else will. For example:

I get bit by a zombie, I scream “IMMUNITY!” and the zombie virus has no effect on me. This will also work in other scenarios, all zombie related.

I punch a zombie, scream “IMMUNITY!” and they die.

I scream “IMMUNITY” and a zombie horde will ignore me completely.

“Immunity” will save me from any chance of becoming a zombie. Therefore I will survive the zombie apocalypse. This will only work for me though, so don’t try it yourself, I’ve already claimed it as my salvation.

Just to be sure, I’ll also kill everyone that moans, groans or makes shuffling movements. It’s a sign that I care. A real conversation related to this was:

“Mom, because I love you, if you become a zombie, I will kill you immediately.”

“Thank you?”

I notice you didn’t say you’d kill me, mom. This is either because you KNOW I will survive, or you don’t love me.

Remember all, love means killing your family if they become zombies. And verbalizing it.