Friday, 7 October 2011

Karin’s Needs

I’ve come to the conclusion there are a few things in this life I need.

For one, I need gummies because they are the source of my being, especially those delicious red feet gummies that you can get from Costco for like $5 for 200. They’re so fucking delicious…. Without gummies, I may die. In fact my body is basically 90% gummy and 15% coffee (with a 5% margin of error). I am confident they are part of the reason my dentist was able to finish her home renos (sorry, dental plan, sucks to be you!).

Next, I need bacon. And cheese. Together. As much as possible. They are the most beautiful couple in the world.

It makes me feel warm in the sub cockles of my heart seeing them on the same plate. Especially intertwined around each other. I would marry this combination:

It would be a short marriage, but I would be so very happy until I became a widow… five minutes later.

My final need has only been brought to my attention fairly recently. I need a man servant. Yes, that is correct. You did read me right. I need a man servant.

Why Karin? Why do you need a man servant?

Simple. So I can do less stuff for myself! For example:

See? The man servant would allow me to remain lying on the couch and bring me something I desire, without much effort from me... while not wearing clothes (because I was too lazy to draw them on)

Basically I need someone willing to do all my mundane work for me, and with a saucy facial expression while doing so. This will allow me to continue doing things I love, like sleeping, watching TV or being on the computer.

If they could somehow pee and bathe for me as well, my life would be perfect. This person must also be willing to work for words of encouragement and the occasional high five as I am a bum and can’t afford to pay a salary. Currently, I have no man servant. MY LIFE IS SO HARD SOMETIMES!

If you’d like to apply for this position, please send me a detailed essay explaining how you would be the perfect man servant, and I will consider your offer. Bonus points if you can write my blogs for me.

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