Thursday, 20 October 2011

Alien Abduction

As we all know by now, I sleep in super sexy attire. If you’re not sure what I’m referring to, click here.

I also sleep in the weirdest positions. I’m freaky flexible and am not comfortable sleeping like a normal person.

If my knee is not up against my chest or my side and the other leg extended back, I can’t sleep. I also have issues sleeping for long periods of time. Recently I explained to my friend I was sleeping terribly.

Me: Fuck I can’t seem to have a decent night’s sleep!

Dee:   That sucks! What’s wrong?

Me: I go to sleep and don’t wake up til just before the alarm goes off!
Dee: …

Me: Seriously, it’s horrible! I don’t wake up at all.

Dee: …

This is where I have to explain myself. You see, if I sleep through the night, I wake up before the alarm goes off, and then I have to get up. If I sleep the way I prefer, I wake up several times throughout the night, check the clock, see I have several hours left to sleep, go back to sleep, and repeat the process three or four more times.

If I sleep all the way through the night, I wake up expecting to have several hours of sleep remaining, only to see that I have to drag my ass out of bed in 10 minutes. I feel like I’ve fucked myself out of several good sleeping hours. That makes sense, right? So if I sleep through the night and don’t wake up, it’s a terrible sleep and I wake up disappointed.

On this one fateful morning, I had awoken from my evening of terrible sleep and noticed something. My eyemask was missing. Trying not to panic at the thought of future nights with light piercing my eyelids, I searched all over the bed for it.

No luck.

It was not on/in/under the pillows, in the blankets, or on the floor. In frustration I moved my leg in frustration and felt something weird. I looked down…

Seriously. I looked down and there was my eye mask. Calmly wrapped around my leg like it was trying to protect my ankle from the light of the cruel cruel morning.

How the fuck did that happen?

Let me tell you. I know EXACTLY what happened. I was sleeping all calmly, in my funky position, wearing my eye mask, the DDM were being kept at bay by the light coming from my little mushroom lamp…

And an alien came into my room. That’s right. A MOTHER FUCKING ALIEN!

So this alien decided that because I am the definition of human sex appeal, they needed to abduct me. Please remember I sleep not in a black dress, but in a hoodie, thick pants and socks, along with the eye mask. I was just too lazy to keep re-drawing all that shit over and over again.

So the alien took me back to its mother ship and showed my sleeping self off to all it’s alien friends.

After the alien finished showing sleeping me to all it’s friends, it decided I was much too awesome to keep away from the human race. I was destined to rule the world (and control the entire world’s supply of gummies…) and the aliens knew this with their superior intellect. It decided to return me to my bed, in the condition and position it found me in.

There was only one problem. With all their advanced knowledge and space travel capabilities, you’d think they’d have figured out the eye mask.

(just in case someone who reads this isn’t quick on their feet, female elder fornicator = mother fucking)

So after much contemplation and I’m sure lots of math equations...

The decision was made that my eye mask was in fact, a tool to keep my feet warm. Therefore they wrapped it around my ankle and put me back in my bed.

Listen, alien bedroom invaders. You may be climbing in my window, snatching my sleeping self up, trying to experiment on me… You don’t have to come and confess, I know it was you.

I am onto your shenanigans.

I know I was abducted by aliens. This incident in no way could be explained by my taking sleeping pills and then moving around enough while asleep to shift my eye mask down and in one of my sleeping flails, get it caught on my foot. That is just plain silly.

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